the world is confusedPittsburgh seems like a dream to me now.
Just call me Mr. Self Destruct.
still with the matchesstill with the matches...still with the matches
a little boy sits quietly in the corner
with a book of unlit matches while a girl flies somewhere far away
on the wings of her salvation and i could scrawl the rest of this story on a napkin somewhere at a truck stop, or
in the back of your yearbook but i wrote in once and twice
and several times since some i sent you, and some i didn't
and i try to forget that
when i talk to you on the phone and i still don't like that band and why do you keep asking me and my family is fine and yes i'm still look
Tarsomewhere underneatheTar
an innocent within Beneath this thickened shell a child's unborn sin
the secrets never chased the answers fed to me the sweetest fruit I'd never pierce if i knew i'd come to be
I can never go back and wake up from this place to justify the things I know this tarnish on my face
Guess I'll always know this burning in my veins I've plunged myself so deep and I'ill always bare this stain
the seed of purity kept alive only by a burning memory that I used to be so clean and this child d
beyond the sunBeyond the Sunbeyond the sun
Feet in the sand, toy gun in his hand The six-year-old soldier, making his stand
Innocence died with the boy inside He had spent too much time with his eyes on the sky
The words had been said, the lights had gone red How had he come to cut the last thread?
At the end of the ride, it was quiet inside And the truths he had known had all become lies
Alone in the dark, he just needed a spark If he could find the reason, he would make the mark
But when came his time, when he looked at the sky In the sunset’s dusk, he could hea
What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire deviant life, that there's something wrong with the story. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
You take the blue pill, the story ends. Your browser closes and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland. And, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
I offer only the truth, nothing more.
Take: The Red Pill
Take: The Blue Pill
--
The Angry Deviant
Random Deviant
Random lovings and fuckings from your good ol' pal Jesusbite.
*bung*
--
black capsule - [link]
quit lying to me, robot.
ah. you bastard.
--
black capsule - [link]
quit lying to me, robot.
[ K ]
--
"Man, that is one sexy rooster"
thanks again
--
exist. there's no alternative.
c. e. k.
I never thought bad of you until this new journal entry. Your making mountains out of molehills.
I never started this apparent "battle" that youre blabbing about over AIM right now. I never sent my cronies after you.
All I asked was for you to explain why my writing sucked, and not just tell me that it sucked.
I can understand that not everyone will like my writing. Thats why Ill always try harder to impress those people, but I need their help, to tell me what they dont like or what they think I should change. You seemed to have done that. Ill surely take your ideas and suggestions into consideration.
I dont know why my... err... "cronies" have started war. I kind of like people that dont like my shit. Gives me a challenge.
As far as the "pretentious crap" comment: Yes, I still hold to that. Yes you should have reacted calmer. It's the opinion of ONE PERSON that you don't even really know. I thought it was a piece of shit. So what. A lot of people don't dig my stuff. I shrug it off and keep writing. What it comes down to is you asking yourself this: Who are you writing for? If you are writing for your anonymous audience, then you are always going to be up in arms at the occasional put down. If you are writing for yourself, or for expression, then the way that other people percieve that is irrelevant. You wouldn't care. We're that poem an honest piece, you wouldn't care at my reaction, because that poem would have nothing to do with me or my reaction to it. For you to react so defensively, you must have written it to cater to the masses....with that ambition, you will always fail. Not everyone is going to like your shit.
The "suck suck suck" comment was just to antagonize. I admit it. That was me having some fun with someone who already proved just how much of a fragile ego they carried. And I'm enjoying the juvenile war.
As far as why your stuff is bad:
1) I don't feel that ALL of your stuff is bad JesusBite. Just some. Particularly the poem that I commented on.
I thought that I had outlined that pretty well in the initial post, but I'll try to be a bit more clear, and I'll even tone it down a bit for ya:
Why Hobbit125 feels that some of your poetry is not as good as it could be:
You frequently come across as one who is trying to please an audience rather than at conveying honesty
At times you seem to overuse hyperbole and cliche phrases
Sometimes your poems look like someone took a bunch of goth/metal CD booklets, cut out random
phrases and pasted them together.
There you go. Toned down just for you. That last comment is probably still going to sting a bit. But there you go...my opinion as you asked for it
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